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| (12:47)
It's interesting you know. Someone I hold dear to me pointed out that, for the most part, I have a good life and am a lot better off than a lot of people. I've been fortunate to grow up in a stable family with loving and supporting parents, two brothers who I more or less get along with, have completed college and am at the beginning of my career, and pretty much doing alright for myself. Sure, maybe I haven't been in a relationship in four years, but at some point it has to happen. This was all pointed out to me. The thing that puzzles me though, is that I'm not happy. There are a lot of reasons I'm not happy. All of these reasons, when compared to the grand scheme of things and comparing them to what other people deal with, are trivial at best. I know they are, and yet they constantly weigh on me.
To start, there's the very trivial fact that I'm still living at home at the age of 23. I think this just has more to do with the fact that more and more I'm wanting to assert my independence and living at home, in my opinion, curbs that. But when you think about it, it really is for the best because I'm just starting out and probably can't afford to live on my own just yet. Maybe in a few more months, when I have a permanent job and not a temp job like the one I'm working right now. It bothers me that I'm not living on my own right now, but it's something I'll have to live with for now.
The other things that bother me sort of tie in together, but I'll separate them because there are differences. The first thing that bothers me are friends. To me it seems that everything is fine and dandy as long as I never make a mistake. As soon as I do though, everything seems to change. Suddenly I'm regarded as this horrible person that can't be forgiven. I always thought you were supposed to give your friends the benefit of the doubt and be forgiving if they make a mistake. I can understand not wanting anything to do with the person if they repeatedly make mistakes and hurt you a lot, but one thing... that's where I hve a big problem. I can't seem to get the time of day to explain myself and right the wrong I made. It frustrates me to no end because it has happened a lot lately. Not everyone has done that, but it has happened a lot. I've never been able to understand it and I'm afraid I never will. Again, fairly trivial, but none-the-less hurtful and annoying.
I guess the biggest thing is relationships. As mentioned, it's been four very long years since I've been in a relationship. Quite frankly, I feel very alone. It sucks. Worst part is any girl I seem to meet either A) Wants to just be friends; B) Already has a boyfriend; or C) Are interested in me but I just don't feel anything for them. It's... well, frustrating. Within the last, well, almost year I guess, I've started dating again. The four years is partly my fault because for awhile I was hurting. First girl I dated... well, sort of dated... she was just... ignorant, to put it politely. Ditched me all the time. Second girl... just bad timing for me really. Well, and a bit of a chemical imbalance that made me kind of worry, be anxious, and also be really restless. She's an amazing person though and I care for her dearly. These didn't work out and yes, it's frustrating. But, as she pointed out, when it happens, it'll happen. I just have to be patient and in the meantime, enjoy life.
Patience with relationships.... something I haven't had lately. I guess it's because of the four year drout. I put a lot of pressure on myself and consequently I kind of try and rush things. Not good. It's a lot of what has made me so miserable. Not having anyone has made me so alone that when an opportunity comes along, I put too much pressure on myself and the rushing happens. No one wants to feel rushed into something and so never works out very well.
So yeah, that pretty much sums it up. As I said, they're all trivial matters and yet they bring me down and frustrate me to no end. I think over things that I really can't do anything about. I know shouldn't think about them, but I do. Kind of in my nature to second guess and analyze things. So... yeah, I don't know. | | |
| (12:36)
It's lunch break and I have pictures for people to see. It's of a funnel cloud that was near my place. Enjoy.
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| (21:23)
After a lengthy hiatus, I have returned. Oh sure, others have gone longer without posting, but a month and a half is still pretty long. A lot has happened in the last little while. Some of it alright, others not so great. I think that's to be expected though.
Well to start off, I'm still working out in Landmark. At the end of June the four of us were extended to the end of July. Then this past Tuesday, we were informed that we were going to be there till the middle of August. I think this will be the end of it though, since they only extended the assignment for another couple of weeks. I think after that I'm going to take a trip down to Toronto and area. I'd like to visit my friend Carly and also meet another friend I've made recently, Brandi. I met Carly in person last fall when I had driven to Toronto with my mom's aunt and uncle (a.k.a. my Godparents). Brandi, on the other hand, I have yet to meet and look forward to doing so. In addition to others who have talked me through some tough times, she been someone I've been able to lean on and so the thought of meeting her appeals to me. After that, I plan on looking for jobs and broadening my search to out of province. I partly want to do that because I'm kind of frustrated with everything around here; from living at home to relationships with friends or girls I'm interested in to people complaining about stuff around here.... you name it. I'm rather fed up. I mean, I love living here. I think it's beautiful here and I love living at my parents' place because the location, I think, is amazing. But it's just time for me to move on and live on my own I think. So that's what I plan on doing. Whether I actually get a job out of province, well, that's something we'll find out down the road.
I found out just the other day that I passed my Law course for CGA. Got a 65, which isn't great, but I passed. The passing grade for CGA courses? 65. So I just made it. Hopefully I can do better in my other courses.
And of course there's Jackie. We decided.... well, more like she decided.... that we'd just be friends. After what happened, she just doesn't think she can be with me. I understand, but I still think it sucks because I care for her so much. But I've been doing what I can to move on. It feels like a slow process, but I'm doing alright. Oh yeah, I've also been seeing my doctor. He has put me on something to control my anxiety and restlessness. It's..... well, my parents have noticed a difference in me. I've even noticed that I'm not worrying much and I'm very calm and relaxed. Could just be all in my head, but still, it seems to be working. We're still working on getting me into see a councillor of some kind so I can work on some other things. So yeah, that's that. I know I just kind of jumped into that, but the thing with Jackie is what got me doing these things to turn myself around and get it together. So again, that's that.
I think I'd better call it a night. I'm tired and I need to be up at 6am. Until then, good night and good luck. | | |
| (21:48)
I finally have that weight off my shoulders. Jackie and I talked and I feel so much better now. Obviously I've had a lot weighing on my mind since the incident and it has affected many aspects of my life, such as being able to have fun, being able to concentrate on work or studying. But we talked this evening at her place and yeah, I feel so much better. Now I just have to let her "chase" me, if that makes any sense. Let her call me. That kind of thing. I don't mind doing that now that we've talked things over. The healing process takes time so it's not a big deal. To me it was just a matter of actually talking it over that makes this so much easier. I honestly can breathe so much easier now because of it. The best part is she knows I'm getting help and am serious about changing things and making sure that none of this happens again. *sigh* Life is good once again. | | |
| (17:35)
I'm such an idiot. I decided to go for a 9 km run. I did a lot of it, but didn't finish and now I'm totally dehydrated and shaky. The thing is I just don't care. I'm pushing and pushing to do things that I'm not ready for, like running 9 km. Why do I do it? Because I'm hurting so much emotionally that I do something physically to get rid of that hurt. In this case it's running until I'm exhausted and dehydrated. I need to stop this. It's one thing to go for a run because I want to be in shape. But this is not good. Because you know something, things are going to be alright. It's time I have the same confidence in myself that Jackie has shown me from the start. She has always shown so much confidence in me. I've never been able to figure out why until now. I have a good heart and I mean well and I can accomplish what I set out to do... within reason. Some things you can't push. Sometimes you just have to give things time for them to be alright and to work out. I've learned that the hard way. I'm paying for it now. If I ever want to see her again, I better start showing confidence in myself and stop worrying. It's sad. Today while listening to the Goldeyes game, they mentioned that there was an accident on Portage at Gary, which is somewhat near Jackie's place. I started worrying because what if it was her? *sigh* It puts so much stress on me along with everyone around me. I need to figure this out and while I've taken the first step in making a doctors appointment, I feel like I'm not doing enough right now. It's frustrating. Anyway, I should stop here. I really need more water... | | |
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